An old man is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a woman with perfect breasts.
He says to her, “Hey miss, would you let me BITE your breasts for $100?”
“Are you nuts?!” she replies, and keeps walking away.
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. “Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?” he asks again.
“Listen you; I’m not that kind of woman! Got it?”
So the little old man runs around the next block and faces her again, “Would you let me bite your breasts – just once – for $10,000?!”
She thinks about it for a while and says, “Hmmmmm, $10,000… Ok, just once, but not here. Let’s go to that dark alley over there.”
So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world.
As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them – but not biting them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, ‘Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?’
“Nah,” says the little old man… “Costs too much!”
An old Jewish man is talking long-distance to California when all of a sudden he gets cut off. He hollers, “Operator, giff me beck the party!”
She says, “I’m sorry sir, you’ll have to make the call all over again.”
He says, “What do you want from my life? Giff me beck da party.”
She says, “I’m sorry sir, you’ll have to place the call again.”
He says, “Operator, ya know vat? Take da telephone and shove it in you-know-vere!” And he hangs up.
Two days later he opens the door and there are two big, strapping guys standing there who say, “We came to take your telephone out.”
He says, “Vy?”
They say, “Because you insulted Operator 28 two days ago. But if you’d like to call up and apologize, we’ll leave the telephone here.”
He says, “Vait a minute, vat’s da rush, vat’s da hurry?” He goes to the telephone and dials. “Hello? Get me Operator 28. Hello, Operator28? Remember me? Two days ago I insulted you? I told you to take da telephone and shove it in you-know-vere?”
She says, “Yes?”
He says, “Vell, get ready — dey’re bringin’ it to ya!”
A group of Americans was touring India. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable the food is terrible It’s too hot, It’s too cold & the accommodations are awful.
The group arrived at the site of the famous Khajuraho Temples.
“Good luck will be following you all your days, if you kiss the Black Stone,” the guide said. “Unfortunately, it’s being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow.”
“We can’t be here tomorrow,” the nasty woman shouted. “We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can’t kiss the stupid stone.”
“Well now,” the guide said, “it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you’ll have the same good fortune.”
“And I suppose you’ve kissed the stone,” the woman scoffed.
“No, ma’am,” the frustrated guide said, “but I’ve sat on it.”
Mother Superior was on her way to late morning prayers, when she passed two novices just leaving early morning prayers, on their way to classes. As she passed the young ladies, Mother Superior said, “Good morning ladies.”
The novices replied, “Good morning, Mother Superior, may God be with you.” But after they had passed, Mother Superior heard one say to the other, “I think she got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning.” This startled Mother Superior, but she chose not to pursue the issue.
A little further down the hall, Mother Superior passed two of the Sisters who had been teaching at the convent for several years. She greeted them with, “Good morning Sister Martha, Sister Jessica, may God give you wisdom for our students today.”
“Good morning, Mother Superior. Thank you, and may God be with you.”
But again, after passing, Mother Superior overheard, “She got out of the wrong side of bed today.” Baffled, she started to wonder if she had spoken harshly, or with an irritated look on her face. She vowed to be more pleasant.
Looking down the hall, Mother Superior saw retired Sister Mary approaching, step by step, with her walker. As Sister Mary was rather deaf, Mother Superior had plenty of time to arrange a pleasant smile on her face, before greeting Sister Mary. “Good morning, Sister Mary. I’m so happy to see you up and about. I pray God watches over you today, and grants you a wonderful day.”
“Ah, Good morning, Mother Superior, and thank you. I see you got up on the wrong side of bed this morning.”
Mother Superior was floored! “Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? I have tried to be pleasant, but three times already today, people have said that about me.”
Sister Mary stopped her walker, and looked Mother Superior in the face. “Oh, don’t take it personal, Mother Superior. It’s just that you’re wearing Father Murphy’s slippers.”
A farmer decided it was time to take a wife, so he went to the city and found a woman who agreed to marry him. The only problem was she knew absolutely nothing about farming, and told him that. He told her not to worry, he would handle all the farm things.
One day, a few years later, the Farmer told his wife that the next morning he would have to go to town. He told her that the vet was coming over to breed one of the cows, and she would have to show him which one. She told him she couldn’t tell one cow from the other, so the farmer took her down to the barn. Pointing to one of the cows, he told her that was the one. She said she still wouldn’t remember, so the Farmer took a big nail, and hammered it into the beam above the stall.
The next morning, the Farmer left for town. A few hours later, the vet showed up, and said he was there to breed the cow. The wife led him toward the barn, explaining on the way that she couldn’t tell one cow from the other. Arriving in the barn, she pointed to the nail, and said that is the cow. The vet said that was great, but what was the nail for?
To which the wife replied, ” Damn if I know. Maybe that’s where you’re supposed to hang your pants!”
A lady approaches her priest and says, “Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.”
“What do they say?” the priest inquired.
“They only know how to say, “Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?”
“That’s terrible!” the priest exclaimed, “but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house. I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship.
“Thank you!” the woman responded.
The next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest’s house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots immediately say, “Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?”
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, “Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!”
A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. “This is exciting,” thought the gentleman. “I’ve always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I’ll be able to see him in person.”
Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff. Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. “This is fantastic,” thought the gentleman. “I’m really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he’ll ask me for assistance.”
Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, “Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in ‘unt’?” Only one word leapt to mind. “My goodness,” thought the gentleman, “I can’t tell the Pope that. There must be another word.” The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, “I think the word you’re looking for is ‘aunt’.”
“Of course,” said the Pope. “Do you have an eraser?”
An old man passed by the brothel and the girl said to him: Come, one time only $ 10. As he thought its cheap so he went in.
After having sex, she demanded for $300. The old man asked why it’s not $10. She replied, u go in n out 30 times so it’s $300. He was furious n returned home but he wanted revenge on her.
Next day he went again and the girl was very happy to see him again. This time he inserted his cock and remained inside without making any thrusting.
The girl screamed: Quick!
The old man replied “butI only have $5, that’s why I only go in, I dare not come out!!!
A lonely older lady, aged 75, decided it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read: “HUSBAND WANTED. Must be in my age group must not run around on me, must not beat me, and must still be good in bed! All applicants must apply in person.
On the second day of the ad she heard the doorbell ring. There sat a man in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs. She asked sardonically, “You are not expecting me to consider you, are you?? Just look at you you have no legs! The old man smiled. “Therefore, no chance to run around on you!” The old lady snorted,“You have no arms either!” “Therefore no chance to beat you. Still good in bed?” she asked. The old man smirked and said,
“I rang the doorbell didn’t I?”
A woman pregnant with triplets is walking down the street when a masked robber runs out the bank and shoots her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies are okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it’s too risky to operate.
All is fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walks into the room in tears. “What’s wrong?” asks the mother.
“I was having a pee and this bullet came out” replies the daughter. The mother tells her it’s okay and explains what happened 16 years ago. About a week later the second daughter walks in to the room in tears.
“Mom, I was having a pee and this bullet came out”. Again the mother tells her not to worry and explains what happened 16 years ago. A week later the boy walks into the room in tears.
“It’s okay” says the mom, “I know what happened, you were having a pee and a bullet came out.”
“No,” says the boy, “I was jerking off and I shot the dog.”